Friday, November 2, 2012

Debunking the Straight-Guy "Trends."

For the past few of weeks I’ve been ranting and raving over unusual habits of my fellow college brethren. Today is different. Today, I’m going into dark territory and will examine straight-guy “trends” that I’ve never been too clear on.  

Pulled-up socks. It’s a hot summer day. While most people are wearing sandals or (*cringe*) flip-flops, there seems to be another sight on the horizon. Could it be? Yep, it’s a heard of boys in tennis shoes with their socks pulled up as far as the damn things will stretch. I’ve never completely understood this phenomenon, but whatever dude started this trend needs to lunch with me ASAP and explain. Are rolled up socks a sign of masculinity? A cult fashion statement, perhaps? Where was the flyer for last week's rolled-up sock crew meeting that I missed!? Part of me finds it hard to say high socks look stupid, because secretly I think on the right guy (if the socks and shoes actually match, of course) it can give off a very alpha-male vibe. (The other half of me thinks the entire look is ridiculous, in case you wondered).

Sports team wardrobe. I’ve never been much of a sports guy (shocking!), but I ran cross-country for a year in high school -- my only experience as a member of the athletic world. I told everyone I joined because I loved to run and I had always wanted to be part of a team. Those things are true, but honestly most of me just wanted a shit ton of team gear. Getting my first hoodie with my last name written displayed across the back in big letters was a proud moment people. Seriously, I wore that thing for two weeks straight and loved it like a vintage Prada sweater. Maybe guys like showing dedication to sports teams and feel instantly connected when they find another guy donning the same gear. Maybe they feel safe knowing they have a family within their team (I know I did) and wear the shirts out of respect. Beats me, but when I’m at home I still wear my hoodie all the damn time.

Statement hats. Is that a 20s-era newsie I see? OMG I totally thought they all died like forever ago, but here’s one in the flesh! Oh, wait. It’s a just dude. In a snapback. Listen up boys, statement hats are very difficult to rock. It would be against my HAUS OF STYLE religion to say they’re not fashionable, but 99% of guys get this wrong. Let's get a few things straight:

  • Rule 1: If you’re going to rock a hat with a rec shirt and dirty sweatpants, that does not make you look ~chic~... it makes you look weird. 
  • Rule 2: In order to truly look good in said hat, you need to be oozing confidence. And it has to look cohesive with the rest of your outfit. You need to literally be sweating hubris from every pore, because otherwise it looks like you're trying too hard.
  •  Rule 3: If you wake up thinking a fedora is a good idea go back to sleep immediately. Don’t even say the word fedora around me. Don’t even whisper its name. 
Straight-guy trends are still, in my opinion, more confusing than Miley Cyrus' haircut. But maybe one day I'll master their secret language and be able to better present my findings to you. 'Til then, have fun spending two hours decoding the shit out of that text from what's-his-name. Let's just hope he wants to take you on a Shively lunch date sans fedora. 

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