Friday, October 26, 2012

Basic tips for the grooming impaired

As a college student and also a teenage male I recognize that right now is a time of growth and self improvement. But, GUYS, I have been hearing some horror stories (I’m talking Britney-Spears-sans auto-tune scary) about some of your grooming habits. I know most of you didn’t grow up wanting to be the health and beauty editor for InStyle, but these basic tips are here for your own good.

Laundry – I was very recently told, “man, I really need to figure out this whole laundry thing,” to which I replied “………” Boys, if your mother was Martha Stewart’s second cousin who washed, dried, and folded all of your clothes God bless her, but you’re an adult now and it’s time to do your own damn laundry. I won’t scare you with advanced techniques like separating your whites from your darks (I know I know, being a grown up is scary!), but the main idea is simple. Put coins in a slot, soap in dispenser, and press a button. I’m not rich nor am I above a little fabreeze spritz on my gently-worn clothes from time to time, but if you haven’t washed your clothes since you’ve BEEN AT COLLEGE (IT’S WEEK 8) get yourself to a washer and drier before you stink away your friends and family.

Face – Acne is horrible and the sad truth is that some of us have it worse than others. But dudes, it’s called face wash and I promise it will improve your complexion. Like your body, your face needs some alone time with your hands and a good skin cleanser. Depending on your biggest issue (blackheads, oily skin, etc.) you can research some specifics, but in general I always recommend Cetaphil skin cleanser. Tip: start with hot water to open your pores, after you’ve scrubbed yourself silly splash cold water to close ‘em. It’ll prevent dirt from getting in said pores, which is what causes acne in the first place. If you don’t know what a pore is than get your hand out of that Dorito’s bag and start googling.

Body – For my sanity I’m going to assume when you shower you’re applying soap to every inch of your body, but smelling good goes a little farther. You sweat, I sweat, we all sweat and it’s gross so intelligent people who invent things have helped the common smelly man avoid this problem. Deodorant:  you put it under your armpits so they sweat less and don’t smell bad. Cologne: you spray it on yourself as to attract sexual partners and, again, not smell bad. Clap twice if you’re with me people.

Junk – I contemplated not writing this because, well ew, but for the sake of the human race (yes, the human race, saving lives one blog post at a time) I needed to include it. A friend of mine told me his old roommate never washed his man parts. Cut to my jaw dropping and a mixture of insane laughing then shiver of fear. I feel almost ridiculous saying this but for BJ’s sake man wash what your mama gave ya! Think of it as a sports car, if you’re driving it dirty around town, no one’s going to ask for a ride.

Now that I've educated you and given you the tools to improve your self hygiene, go ! Go forth and share your (cleaner) self with the world.

No comments:

Post a Comment