Ok guys, it’s time to say goodbye. It’s time to look down at those two-year-old ratty Old Navy flip flops and throw them AWAY, already. When starting a new chapter in your fashion timeline, the first step isn’t to go out and buy a brand new wardrobe, but to purge your closet of the bullshit that’s piled up over the years.
Now, as a fellow man, I understand that change is hard. So I’ll compromise a little. Maybe you’re not ready to stop showing your toes in public, but you have no clue what else to slip on your feet in the morning. No fear, I’ll be telling you what to toss and, if you feel a little scared, what’s acceptable as a replacement.
#1: Flip flops. As previously mentioned, flip-flops as daily wear have got to go. Listen very carefully: unless you’re at the beach or coming from the gym you look like a tool. Plus the damage they give to your feet would send Dr. Scholls into cardiac arrest. Now maybe you’re thinking “But, DUDE, these are sooo comfy,” relax; I’ve got you covered. Birkenstock’s give off that cool “I don’t give a shit” vibe without making you look like you haven’t showered for a few days (which you haven’t, no need to lie here).
#2: Labeled Clothes. Abercrombie and Fitch “style” is dead. Yep, it’s dead, and it’s never coming back, so bury anything with a moose stitched onto your clothes and visit the grave whenever you’re feeling a little nostalgic about your favorite high school digs. When you’re wearing an outfit covered collar to cuff with some company’s label you look like a walking billboard; you’re their unpaid salesman. The lesson is to STOP selling someone else’s brand and start selling your own. Listen, I own polo’s from Lacoste, Ralph Lauren, and other brands with logos. Don’t be afraid to buy clothes with visible logos, just do it sparingly and tastefully.
#3: Rec Shorts. I know you’re thinking, “oh HELL no,” but just give me a chance. I’m not telling you to throw your rec shorts away, but please, please, just limit their expose to the outside world. The purpose of rec shorts lies in their name, so if you’re not working out or sleeping try to resist their comfy draw. Now, luckily for you, there’s been a fashion + comfort revolution for men. Cool sweats and rec shorts are being made so you can be comfortable and not look like you rolled right out of bed. Try H&M for the cheapest and sleekest sweat shorts.
#4: Wife beats. Ok, I feel like this deserves to be on a list with other obvious fashion no’s (i.e. John Deer caps, anything Ed Hardy, etc.), but for some ungodly reason I still see Kid Rock look-a-likes rocking these all the time. Maybe your torso is freezing, but your arms are on fire or maybe you just have a constant, uncontrollable urge to show your biceps in public. Whatever the case, invest in some tank tops, bro. Target had a great selection this summer for those looking for a cheap way to test a tank out, but I’ll bet you 10 pushups you can find some cool ones at a number of different stores.